Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
