and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
