did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
