The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
