Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She said her name was "party"
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
