The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
