the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
