you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
