My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
