apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
