Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
