I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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