Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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