I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
