My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
