So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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