Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
