Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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