when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
