she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
