just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
