: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i love accidental penises.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I have peed in a lot of sinks
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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