He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
