i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
