i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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