Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
