Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
