I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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