Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
