Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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