The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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