I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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