the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
