Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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