remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
