i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
