i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Randomize
