I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I skipped work to stalk him.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
