well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Randomize
