My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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