sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
