The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
