it's too hot outside to masturbate.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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