If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
