i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I need to sanitize my soul.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
