literally had 100 drinks last night.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
