I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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