My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
