new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
