I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Randomize
